The Things We Do
by ADI2DE
Summary: This story starts where season 4 ends (ignoring the season 5 premiere and promos). Andy is forced to deal with the aftermath of the Kevin Ford fiasco, struggling to make major decisions that could have a permanent affect on her professional and personal life.
1. Facing Reality

**Welcome to "The Things We Do". This is one of two Rookie Blue FanFiction stories that I've written that start off where season 4 ends. I wrote it back in September but am obviously just publishing it now, and even though many of us have already seen the season 5 premiere, I have no intent to change my story. Hope you enjoy it! Feel free to leave reviews and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!**

**Please note: I do not own Rookie Blue.**

She sat on the cold hard chair, her head bent low with her elbows resting on her knees and her hands covering her ears. Even with everything around her muffled and her eyes closed, she couldn't even begin to block out the voices, the pain, the fear.

"Dr. Wyatt, please report to the ER," boomed a voice over the P.A. system, shattering any hope she had of tuning out everything around her.

Her mind raced; her heart pounded so fast in her chest, she could feel each beat reverberate throughout her body. '_Dr. Wyatt, Dr. Wyatt, Dr. Wyatt,'_ she repeated in her head. Was Dr. Wyatt one of Sam's doctors? She wracked her brains. '_No.' _She let out a sigh of relief.

"Andy, you have to go home."

She could hear her name being called; she could recognize the voice, but she couldn't seem to respond. Her body was shutting down.

"Andy?" said the voice again, this time accompanied by a hand gently shaking her shoulder.

Mustering up the strength and courage to return to reality, she pulled her head out of her hands and looked up at Oliver. She stared at him blankly. Between the puffy eyes and mascara that was threatening to stain her cheeks and clamp her upper and lower eyelashes together, she had difficulty focusing on the officer in front of her.

"Andy, go home," said Oliver gently. "Go get some sleep and come back later."

"I can't," she whispered.

She felt his arms around her. "He's going to be okay," he told her. "Sam's going to be okay," he said again, for his own sake as much as hers.

"It's been four hours," Andy croaked. Despite a few complications during Sam's surgery the night before, the doctors said it had gone well. They told her they'd managed to remove all of the remnants of the bullet and stop the bleeding, but early this morning Sam was pulled into emergency surgery once again.

"They got it in time Andy," he said, pulling away. "They said there could be complications, could be clots. That was it – that's what they prepared us for. They caught it in time and he's okay now. They just had to put him under again so he'll heal faster."

"Oliver, I can't…" she began, falling silent as she turned to look back towards the window where Nick was sitting. He was staring at his hands, motionless except for the occasional blink.

"Just go home to shower and sleep," Oliver said, but realizing she wasn't going to give in, he threw his hands up in defeat and said, "Coffee?"

She nodded and he disappeared almost as quickly as he'd come.

Taking a deep breath she stood up, adjusted her shirt and vest, and slowly made her way over to Nick. Her heart was in her throat and her whole body was trembling. Despite being in the same room, they hadn't spoken since he'd suggested that she be the one to go in with Sam while he was being prepped for surgery. The most they'd exchanged since then were glances, and small and uneasy smiles.

"Nick?" she said cautiously, her voice cracking again.

He looked up at her, and she felt her heart sink a little lower. He looked crushed. Nevertheless, Nick gestured for her to sit. She shook her head. This wasn't the right place.

"Can we speak somewhere a little more private?" she asked, her voice sounding timid and uncertain even to her own ears.

She could see his body tense up and hear the hesitation in his voice as he agreed. They walked side by side down the hallway, their movements both stiff and awkward, each step feeling completely forced.

"Listen Andy… it's okay, I get it," Nick said. "I knew you still cared for him. I knew that would never go away completely. I just thought we could make it work."

"Nick," she began, but stopped, completely caught off-guard by his words. She really didn't want to have to deal with this right now. "Nick, I tried to get over him and I thought I had, but you have to know that I care about you a lot too and I love what we have. You know that, don't you?" she said, biting down on her lower lip to keep it from trembling. She could feel the tears well up in her eyes. "I'm just really confused right now and I don't know how to deal with this, any of this."

"You're dealing with a lot. You don't have to figure everything out now, Andy," said Nick, each word sounding forced despite his genuine concern. "We can talk about this later once things settle down, okay?"

Andy nodded, and gave him a small smile. He was always so supportive and understanding – she loved that about him.

"Listen, umm, Frank is calling some of us back to work. I have to go, but if you need anything you call me, okay?"

She nodded again and embraced him. "Thank you," she whispered.

Nick gave her a small smile and kissed her forehead before turning to leave.

She watched Nick's receding back until the doors closed behind him, her heart still pounding heavily in her chest.

"Glad to see you finally got up."

Andy jumped, her head snapping to her left. "Oliver, you startled me."

"So you and Collins are what exactly?" Oliver asked. When Andy didn't respond, he handed her a coffee and said, "You know Sam's never stopped loving you, don't you?"

She looked away, trying desperately to hold back the tears. Nobody else knew what Sam had said to her in the corridor the night before, and nobody, not even Nick, knew what she had said to Sam in the ambulance. Though she hadn't forgotten the night's events, she had done her best not to think about them too much. Sam was still in critical condition and after spending months building a barrier to try to get over him and find some peace, she couldn't let that wall come crashing down. It was the only thing that kept her from completely losing it at that moment, but Oliver was unknowingly forcing her back to that time and place.

"I just thought you should know," he continued, putting his hand on her shoulder. "I know Sam isn't one for talking, but I think it's important that you know."

She nodded. Trying her best to compose herself, she changed the subject, noting that the man was no longer wearing a hospital gown. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, I'm alright McNally," said Oliver with a small smile. "They monitored me throughout the night, checked me out this morning, and said I should be okay with a few more days of rest."

"Have you spoken to Frank? I haven't seen him in awhile."

"Yeah. He came to see me before he left to go back to the barn – that's how I found out about Sam," said Oliver, his smile fading. "Frank said he's calling back some of the officers, which we knew would happen sooner rather than later. We could only keep pulling 27 in for so long before they were stretched too thin."

"He called in 27 division?" said Andy. She knew she shouldn't be surprised given everything that had happened, but somehow the news still shocked her.

"He had to Andy. Nobody's been in the right state of mind," Oliver said, and seeing a look of guilt cross her face, he added, "Andy, you're not going back to work. Frank won't allow it. You need to be emotionally stable, and I hate to break it to you, but you're not ready."

"It's my fault though," she said quietly. "I should have said something…"

"What are you talking about?" Oliver asked, bewildered. She wasn't making any sense.

"Where's Marlo?" Andy asked rather abruptly, looking around as if the other woman would suddenly appear.

"Marlo's staying with her sister," Oliver replied, before questioning her further. "Andy, what should you have said?"

Andy just stared at him, her mind racing as she wondered how much he knew. To her relief, her phone buzzed, sparing her from Oliver's gaze. "It's Luke." She could feel her heart rate pick up again as a spasm of fear passed through her.

"Aren't you going to answer it?" he asked and when she shook her head, he raised his eyebrows. "What's going on McNally?"

"Oliver!" called a voice. "There you are."

They turned to see Celery walking towards them.

"I'm so sorry to hear about Sam," Celery said, giving Andy a quick hug before taking Oliver's hand.

Andy nodded. "Listen, I should get back to everyone, and you should go rest. I'll see you guys later though, okay?"

"Andy," began Oliver, but she was already walking away. It didn't take a genius to know that something wasn't right, but Oliver suspected the junior officer had bitten off more than she could chew and given her current state, he wasn't so sure she could bounce back.

Andy returned to her chair and instantly dropped her head into her hands. This was a disaster. Sam and Chloe were fighting for their lives. Nick was upset by her actions. Oliver suspected something. Luke wouldn't stop calling. All because she wanted to keep her promise to Marlo, but as with all things, there was a price, and the consequences of her actions were creeping up on her and she knew it.


	2. Drained

**Welcome back! I'll admit, not a whole lot happened in chapter 1 – these first two chapters really set up for the tension in chapters three and four, etc. I promise, the story does pick up though, and there are a lot of Sam and Andy moments coming up. Whether they're good or bad, you'll have to stick around to find out! I look forward to hearing your thoughts so far and what you think might happen. Thanks for reading!**

**Recap: Sam was pulled in for emergency surgery, Oliver tries to comfort Andy and get her to go home, and Nick and Andy have a little chat about where they stand. In the end, Andy realizes that the consequences of her actions are creeping up on her faster than anticipated.**

"Hey sweetie," said Traci softly. "I brought you some coffee."

"Thanks Trace," Andy said, rubbing her eyes. She winced slightly. Between lack of sleep and frequent tears, her eyes were killing her.

"Let me take you home."

Andy shook her head. "I need to be here," she said firmly, despite feeling incredibly exhausted.

"I know you do," Traci replied, "But you need to go home, eat something, shower, and sleep. Come on, I'll drive you, and when you're ready to come back just call me, okay?"

Andy hesitated, then nodded reluctantly. Since she'd refused to leave the hospital, Traci had been bringing her a change of clothes each day. She tried to remember the number of hours or even days that she'd been waiting, but time seemed irrelevant. If she had to guess, she'd say maybe three or four days, but really, the only thing that mattered to her at the moment was if Sam would wake up. Everything had become a blur: the faces coming and going, the small talk, the constant rapid beating of her heart every time something was said over the P.A system or a doctor entered the room. It was emotionally draining, and it was beginning to take a toll on her physically as well.

"He'll be okay," said Traci reassuringly.

Andy simply nodded, trying to muster a small smile.

The entire way back to the apartment, Traci tried to make small talk, but Andy's mind was preoccupied. Luke's calls and texts were becoming more frequent. She knew she should pick up, but she also knew what he was after, and she just wasn't ready to have that conversation yet. To be honest, she was actually surprised Luke hadn't shown up at the hospital to talk to her, while also silently being thankful that he'd kept his distance, regardless of the reason.

"Luke again?" Traci asked as Andy's phone went off for the second time during the car ride.

She nodded.

"Andy, you need to talk to him."

"I know," Andy said quietly. "I'm not ready yet though."

"Sweetie, I know reliving it is going to be hard, but he needs to get your statement," Traci said, reaching out to grab Andy's hand.

Again, Andy simply nodded. More than anything she wanted to talk to someone about what was going on and what to do, but there were more people involved in this mess than she cared to admit, and adding more people to the mix just wasn't an option.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" Traci asked when they pulled up to Andy's apartment.

"Nope," said Andy. "I'll be okay."

She wasted no time in getting out of the car, waving quickly to Traci before stepping into her apartment. A wave of emptiness crashed over her almost immediately. Nick was on shift, and Sam was in the hospital. She was on her own.

She dropped her things on the floor, then went to turn on the shower, letting a small sigh escape her as the hot water ran down her skin.

The faint buzzing of her phone could just barely be heard over the running water, but it was enough to set her off. "Will you just give up?" Andy screamed, smashing her hand against the shower wall. She laughed dryly. "What am I supposed to tell you?" she cried to her empty apartment. "That Marlo is bi-polar? That I watched her obsess over Kevin Ford and that even when I suspected he was after 15, I still didn't say anything? That it's my fault Oliver was kidnapped, and it's my fault Sam… Sam was shot… and that Chloe… that she paid for my mistakes too? Is that what you want to hear Luke?" She slammed her fist against the tile wall again, tears splashing down her face as a sob wracked through her body. "What am I supposed to do?" she breathed. "Someone just tell me what to do… please."

The constant stream of water washed away her tears, the warmth temporarily providing the only source of calm, but even that quickly turned cold and she forced herself to shut it off in search of clothes and food. She made quick work of both, and was reaching out to grab her wallet and phone when she heard knocking on the door.

Opening the door a crack, she barely managed to withhold a groan. "Luke?"

"I've been calling and texting you for the last few days," he said angrily.

"I know, umm, about that, I'm sorry… I… I just…" she began.

"Andy, it's not just about your statement," he said, pushing his way into her apartment. His eyes flicked around the place before settling back on her.

She frowned. "Then what…?"

Luke sighed. "I had to let Marlo go. There's no way we could have kept her, not with everything that happened, but now that she's gone, people are starting to ask questions and once they start figuring things out, it's going to lead back to your role too."

"What—"

Luke was hardly paying attention to her anymore. He was furious. "Andy, you signed the book, remember? You signed the book saying that Marlo was at Ford's house."

Andy froze. Uh oh.

"How could you have been so stupid? Did you really think nobody would notice? You're lucky Frank didn't in the first place."

"I—"

"I asked Frank for a copy of the report and I recognized your writing right away. It won't be long before someone else recognizes it too, and once they do, they're going to be coming at you hard."

"But—"

"Andy, I need to know what happened," Luke said, crossing his arms.

She waited a moment to make sure he was done. The glare she was now getting confirmed that a response was required this time. "Okay… okay," said Andy, "Just take me back to the hospital and I'll tell you there."

Luke shook his head. "I think it would be better if we did it here or at the station."

"No," she said firmly, "If you want my statement, then we're going to the hospital."

He stared at her for a few seconds before nodding reluctantly.

* * *

"Hey pal," Oliver said cautiously, watching as his friend's eyes finally opened.

Sam grunted, reaching for his side. It hurt like hell. He turned his eyes away from Oliver, who was sitting in the chair beside his bed. "What the…?" he began, confusion evident on his face as he looked around the room. "I'm in the hospital?"

"Yeah brother, don't you remember what happened?" Oliver asked, the smile fading from his face.

Sam closed his eyes. He could see Ford for a brief moment before he was on the ground staring up at McNally. He flinched, opening his eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, I was shot," began Sam, wincing as he tried to get more comfortable. "McNally… where's McNally?"

"Traci took her home. She's been here since you were admitted, hasn't left the entire time, until about an hour ago."

Sam frowned. "She was there… McNally was there."

"Yeah Sam," said Oliver. "From what I've heard you took a bullet for Nick and saved them both."

"But she was there," said Sam with a little more force. He could tell Oliver was confused, but his own thoughts were so muddled at the moment because of all of the medication that he couldn't quite piece everything together. He could remember her kneeling over him, and for some reason he thought that he needed to get up, but she held him down. The next thing he knew, they were moving and she was sitting beside him, talking to him, telling him a story of some kind.

Oliver remained silent.

"She's okay?" Sam asked, rubbing his face.

Oliver hesitated.

"Ollie, is McNally okay?" Sam asked. Even with the medication he could tell Oliver was hiding something.

"She's fine Sam. She isn't hurt, but she isn't doing so well either. She hasn't slept or eaten properly in days." Oliver paused. "And Callaghan has been after her for a statement, but with you and Chloe in the hospital, it's been really rough for her."

"I need to see her," said Sam, trying to sit up. He bit back a cry as the pain shot through his side.

"No," said Oliver, holding Sam's shoulders. "I'll call her, okay? I'll go let the doctor know you're awake and I'll call her, but you've gotta stay here buddy. We almost lost you."

Sam hesitated, then lay back, already feeling exhausted. He nodded.

Oliver waited a moment before leaving the room. After informing the doctor that Sam was awake, he pulled out his phone, hesitating. Andy needed sleep. If he called her now she'd come back to the hospital, but if he didn't call her, then he'd have both Sam and Andy mad at him and injury or not, he wasn't sure how long he could keep Sam away. He hit dial, but as he did so, he saw her out of the corner of his eye.

"McNally!" he yelled down the hall. At first he mistook the fear on her face, thinking she thought something was wrong with Sam, but as the hallway cleared, he saw Callaghan beside her. Andy met his eyes for a moment, before they turned down another hallway and were out of sight. He returned to Sam's room as the doctor was finishing up.

"McNally?"

"She's here," said Oliver, noticing that his friend was starting to look more alert.

"But?"

"Callaghan has been calling her all week trying to get her statement. It looks like he finally found her."

"Ollie," said Sam, a trace of panic in his voice, "You need to get her away from him."

"Sam, McNally isn't interested in Callaghan anymore," said Oliver chuckling, thinking it was Sam's meds that were talking. "That ship has sailed buddy."

"No," Sam replied, shaking his head. "That's not what I meant. You need to stop her from giving her statement."

Oliver's eyes narrowed. "What's going on Sammy? What do you know? It's obvious she's been avoiding Callaghan for a reason, but she won't talk, so why don't you want her near him?"

"Ollie, you have to trust me," said Sam. "I… I can't… By the time I…" he said, struggling to string his thoughts together and form the words. "Just get her out of there." The last words came out angry.

"Sammy, I trust you, I do, but—"

"Then call her, find her… just don't let her talk to him."

"Okay, okay. Just relax buddy," said Oliver watching as the machine showed Sam's heart rate pick up. "I'll call McNally. I'll call her right now."

"Well?" Sam pressed when Oliver still hadn't said anything into the phone.

"No answer, but, I'll try again."

The longer they went without reaching her, the more anxious Sam became – Oliver stared at his friend as he hit redial for a third time, a bad feeling forming in the pit of his stomach with each unanswered ring.

**Thanks again for reading! Hopefully you'll join me for the next chapter where things really start to get complicated for both Sam and Andy. **


	3. Statements

**Welcome back! Thanks for your reviews and follows – I hope you'll continue to let me know what you think. This story starts off a little slower than most since it tends to explain a lot, but there will a ton of drama and romance in the subsequent chapters.**

**Recap: Sam wakes up and learns that Luke has been after Andy for her statement. Unsure of what Andy will say, Sam gets Oliver to call her, in an attempt to intervene and prevent her from talking. **

Andy followed Luke into the empty room the hospital gave them permission to use, and sat down across from him, her hands clasped in her lap in an attempt to keep them from shaking.

"Alright, so let's start from the beginning," Luke said, sighing. "When did you find out about Marlo's bi-polar disorder?"

She looked away, guilt coursing through her. "It was when we were at the art gallery during the cocaine bust." She paused. "I'm sure you've heard about it… the cocaine was laced with anthrax."

Luke nodded. "So, what, she just told you?"

Andy shook her head. "We were covered in it, so we had to empty our pockets and change. The only reason I know is because she had the pills on her."

"Did you tell anyone?"

"No," Andy replied. "She asked me not to tell anyone, even Sam."

"Why not?"

She rubbed her face and sighed. "Look, Marlo's a good cop. We might not agree on… well, pretty much anything, but I never questioned her ability to do her job before that, and finding out she's bi-polar didn't make me think any differently of her."

"Even when you found out about her obsession with Ford?"

She fiddled with a loose thread on her pants.

"Andy," Luke said. "Did you still think she was capable of doing her job when you found out about her obsession with Ford?"

"No," Andy breathed. "She was fine until one morning when I saw her in the parking lot. That was the only time something really seemed off with her. She was late for work, and she just kept telling me about the trees Ford cut down in his yard. But, she was assigned to desk duty that day though, so I thought she'd be okay there."

"How long had she been tracking him?"

"I don't know… A couple of weeks maybe? She never said."

"And this didn't strike you as unusual?"

"Look, like I said, she's a good cop. She seemed a little stressed, but that isn't exactly unusual for this job. You know that."

"And when Ford was attacked?"

Andy took a deep breath. "The neighbour mentioned something about Ford yelling at a woman the night before. I thought it _may_ have been Marlo."

"Did you tell anyone?" Luke asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I talked to Marlo…"

"Did you talk to anyone else?"

Her phone buzzed. It was Oliver. She hesitated, then pushed the phone away.

"Andy, did you tell anyone?" Luke repeated.

She hesitated. "I told Sam. He had no idea—"

"He was at the scene… Sam was at Ford's house when we were checking for evidence."

Again, Andy hesitated. "I asked him to… I couldn't be sure Marlo was the attacker."

"And the book?"

"Marlo told me she was in the house. Sam confirmed that her prints were on Ford's computer, but he didn't know Marlo was bipolar," Andy lied – she wanted to keep Sam's involvement to a minimum.

"So you thought you'd just fake an entry?"

"Luke, once they found she'd been in the house without authorization it would have been over for her. I was trying to figure out what happened before her name surfaced. You know what would have happened if…"

Her phone buzzed again.

"Yeah Andy, I know what would have happened, but instead we ended up with three officers in the hospital, and it could have been worse."

Tears stung her eyes and she gasped slightly.

"Andy, I'm sorry, but I have to know exactly what happened."

She nodded.

_Buzz. _

"And what about Sam? You told him, and you're saying that you asked him for help?"

"Yes."

"Why would you be more concerned about Marlo than him?" asked Luke.

_Buzz. _

"Can I get this?" asked Andy, after the phone buzzed yet again.

Luke raised his hands in defeat.

"Hello?"

"McNally, why didn't you answer your phone? I've been calling you." The voice on the other end sounded impatient and stressed.

"Oliver, I'm with Luke," she said. "I'm giving my statement."

"Andy, Sam's awake. I need you to come right now."

"What?"

"Sam's awake. Tell Callaghan the statement can wait. You need to come now."

Andy hung up the phone and got to her feet. "Luke, Sam had nothing to do with this. I did what I thought was right. Clearly, I was wrong, but I did what I felt I needed to do at the time. Marlo's been my partner, and I needed to protect her. It's my fault, not Sam's."

"Andy, sit down, we're not done," Luke said sharply.

"Yes, we are, Luke," said Andy. "Sam's awake."

Before he could say another word, she ran from the room, slamming the door behind her.

She rounded the corner and was feet away from Sam's room when Luke's voice made her pause.

"Andy, you can't go in there."

She turned on him.

"Until I have his statement and the rest of yours, I can't let you see or speak to him. You know the rules."

Oliver poked his head of the room. "Andy!"

"Oliver, she can't go in there," Luke warned.

"Luke, buddy, I'm sure you'll understand," said Oliver, and he grabbed Andy's arm and pulled her into the room.

"Oliver, I'm serious. Until I have their statements…"

Too late. Oliver had already pulled Andy into the room, where she stood like a deer in headlights.

"Hey McNally," said Sam, smiling slightly despite the pain coursing through his side.

"Hi," Andy said, her voice quiet. It took everything for her not to lose control at the sight of him in the hospital bed. He looked so weak.

"You look terrible," he said.

"So do you," she said in a barely audible whisper.

He grinned. She looked like she hadn't slept in days, but she still looked gorgeous in his eyes. She always had.

Luke pushed passed them and leaned up against the wall.

"Callaghan," said Sam, without taking his eyes off of Andy.

"Sam," Luke said with a nod.

When Sam didn't comment further, Luke said, "If you want to talk to her, I need your statement."

"Luke, he just woke up," cried Oliver. "Surely this can wait?"

"Yeah, it can," said Luke, "But until I have my statements, they can't be in the same room."

Sam tore his eyes away from Andy. "What?"

"I need your statement Sam, and the rest of hers. It's protocol."

"Alright Callaghan," said Sam, rubbing his eyes and face as if it would clear his head and allow his thoughts to come through clearer. This wasn't going to be good. "Here's my statement…"

"Sam," cried Andy, shaking her head at him. She could tell he wasn't in the right state of mind.

He hesitated. He wasn't sure he should be trusting his own judgment at the moment, and the fact that Andy certainly seemed to be trying to stop him from speaking made him pause.

"Swarek," warned Luke, "I'd advise you to listen to me. Right now, I have half an incriminating statement. Andy's going to take the fall unless you tell me what really happened."

Andy closed her eyes for a moment as she took a deep breath. When she opened them Sam was looking at her again. She shook her head, willing him to keep his mouth shut.

"McNally?" Sam said.

She bit her lip, but said nothing.

"Get rid of it," said Sam, turning back to Luke. "You need to get rid of her statement. She'll retract it, give a new one."

"You know I can't get rid of it," said Luke.

Oliver hesitated, then shut the door.

"Callaghan, if you ever cared about her, you'll get rid of it."

Luke hesitated. "It's not that easy. Someone has to take the fall. Marlo's already losing everything, but there's more to it than her side."

Sam reached over to where the IV was hooked up to him, intending to pull it out.

"Nooooo buddy," said Oliver giving a nervous chuckle as he grabbed Sam's hand and moved it away from the tubes. "You leave those where they are."

"Oliver, I can't think with all of this shooting through me," said Sam angrily. "I need to take it out."

Oliver looked to Luke for help.

"Fine. I can maybe hold off another day or so for your statement, but if someone asks about Andy's statement before then, I can't withhold it," Luke said.

Sam exhaled deeply. "To hell with it," he said, rubbing his forehead. "You get rid of her statement, and you write this down—"

"Sam, no," said Andy sharply. "I gave my statement and I meant it. I won't retract it."

"McNally, just stop," he said, louder than intended, but hoping to silence her. He turned back to Luke. "Now Callaghan, you want my statement? Here it is: I got distracted… I haven't been able to think clearly for months, but I didn't bother taking time off. I should have realized that Marlo was bi-polar sooner, but I didn't, and even when I found out about her disorder I tried to cover it up. That's what I was doing at Ford's house after he was attacked. I knew she was in trouble and I wanted to protect her. If she was exposed, her career would be ruined."

"Luke," said Andy. "You can't believe what he's saying. He's drugged up."

Sam turned to look at her. What the hell was she doing? "Oliver, get her out of here… now."

Oliver started to move towards Andy.

"I'm not leaving," she said.

"Leave her," said Luke, surprising all of them. "One of them is going to tell me the truth."

"I told you the truth," said Sam. "It's on me. Leave her out of this."

"Maybe," said Luke. "But what I don't understand is why you got Andy to help you—"

"She didn't help me with anything," he replied. "Do you really think McNally would have helped me after the way I treated her?"

"I don't know why she would, but she did," said Luke. "I have a copy of the log she entered for Marlo, and don't try to deny it Sam, the handwriting is definitely hers."

Sam hesitated. This wasn't the kind of conversation he wanted to be having when he was on so much medication that his thoughts were a little fuzzy. It was a question he had been asking himself since that day. He'd regretted involving her the moment he'd asked her, yet he knew he was too far away from the station to do it himself and she was the only one he trusted with it.

Oliver interrupted. "Haven't they gone through enough? Whatever they may or may not have done, isn't this punishment enough?"

"You know it doesn't work like that Oliver. People ask questions; they need answers. They're going to start asking how we never noticed Marlo was bi-polar, how we managed to oversee that. They're going to start looking for answers, and the truth always comes out."

"I gave you my statement Callaghan," said Sam. "It's on me, McNally had nothing to do with it, so you take that book and shove it up your—"

"Sammy!" cried Oliver, cutting Sam short. "Callaghan, just give them time. It's a stressful time for all of us."

"Fine," snapped Luke, then turning to Andy he said, "But I don't want to see you here again until I have both of your statements. You have five minutes, then I want you out of here Andy."

With that, Luke left the room.

"I should get going buddy," said Oliver, feeling a little awkward. "Celery will be back any moment. Call me if you need anything though… if you want to talk about any of this."

Andy watched as Oliver closed the door behind him, and stared at it a moment longer before turning back to Sam, her hands trembling slightly.

"Sam, you need to back down."

"You know I can't do that."

"I don't need you to protect me," said Andy. "If I'm up against Luke I have a better chance of getting off with a lesser punishment."

"McNally, I was shot. The most they'll likely do is suspend me, maybe demote me. I pulled you into this mess, let me get you out."

"I was the one that found out about her…"

"McNally, you're overthinking this one," said Sam. He raised his arm slightly, holding his hand out to her.

She hesitated, then slowly moved forward. After a brief pause, she took his hand in her own.

"No, I'm not. We screwed up, Sam, and now we're left facing the consequences."

He squeezed her hand gently. "We'll figure something out. Just stop trying to discredit everything I say."

She remained silent.

He sighed. This conversation wasn't going anywhere. He knew they should try to quickly work out what they'd tell Luke, but he needed to know that she was okay. "So how have you been?" Sam asked, changing the topic to try to ease the tension in the room.

Her eyes widened slightly at the abrupt change in conversation, but, unable to find the words, she simply shook her head. _How have I been?_ _Better than you_, she thought to herself, but things had not been easy for her lately, not by any means.

"Andy, about what you said in the ambulance—" Sam began, starting to pull his thoughts together. He was interrupted when the door opened and a nurse entered the room.

"Time for some more medicine," the nurse said.

"More?" said Sam and he heard Andy laugh a little. Sure he was in immense pain, but trying to stay awake and hold a conversation while that medicated was proving a huge challenge.

The nurse nodded.

"I just need a few more minutes," said Sam.

"Sorry sweetie, but I need to keep to your schedule," the nurse replied.

By the time the nurse left the room, his mind had already started to go numb and he could feel his eyelids drooping. He could faintly hear the nurse telling Andy he'd be out for at least a few hours. He opened his mouth and could hear himself mumble, "McNally?"

"I'm here Sam," she said softly.

His eyes closed and he was out.

Andy stared at him. Sam had been on the verge of saying something about when they were in the ambulance. She wondered if he'd heard everything, if he remembered everything. The more important question tugging at her mind, however, was what she was going to do now that she had said those things.

She thought about Nick. He'd been there to support her, first when she broke up with Sam… And now, even with Sam being shot, his support hadn't wavered. He was giving her some space, but she knew that he would be there for her if she asked. Her relationship with Nick was easy, open, honest. But then there was Sam. No matter what she did and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get Sam out of her head… or heart. He'd always been there for her. Whenever she was in trouble, he was always there to help her. He taught her what it meant to be a good cop, to always have your partner's back, and to trust your gut. She loved being with him, but it was always so complicated. It wasn't easy, open, or honest like it was with Nick, and yet, she couldn't help but think that Sam _is_ Sam and that's what she loved about him.

At that moment, she was thankful that the nurse had interrupted. She was curious as to what Sam had been about to say, but she wasn't ready to respond.

After a moment's hesitation, she set his hand back down on the bed and leaned forward to kiss his forehead.

**Thanks for reading! Up next: Andy and Nick have a chat, Andy breaks the rules, and Sarah makes an appearance. Basically, things get even more complicated and confusing for Andy. **


	4. Breaking the Rules

**Welcome back! Thanks for your reviews and follows. This is a rather short chapter compared to most, but the next one will be longer. I hope you'll let me know what you think!**

Recap: Luke finally finds Andy and starts to take her statement, but upon hearing Sam is awake, she abandons the interview to see him. Luke forbids Andy and Sam from seeing each other until he has both of their statements; however, Oliver pulls her into the room before Luke can stop him. Realizing Andy is incriminating herself, Sam struggles against his meds in an effort to clear her name. Luke gets frustrated, but Oliver buys them more time. When they're finally alone for a few minutes, Sam starts to bring up what happened in the ambulance, but a nurse comes in to give him more meds and by the time he's alone with Andy again, he's knocked out.

Andy left the hospital feeling like she'd been robbed of something. As much as she wanted to hear what Sam had to say about what happened in the ambulance, she was scared too. The words had tumbled from her mouth with no thought to the fact that she was currently in a relationship with another man. She meant what she said though, but she was still trying to process everything and for that, she needed a little bit of time. What she needed right now – at this very moment – was someone to talk to.

Her first thought was to visit her dad, realizing she hadn't seen him in months. Suddenly she felt terrible, a dull ache growing in her chest. She hadn't gone this long without seeing her dad in years. Remembering he was away for the week, she sighed. She knew Traci was working, Gail was still mad at her, Dov was upset about Chloe, and Chris, well, he was great but not who she needed to talk to right now.

Her feet led her to an apartment with a red door where her hand hovered for a minute before finally knocking.

"Hey," Nick said, wide eyed when he opened the door. "Are you okay?"

Andy nodded. "I just needed someone to talk to."

He stepped aside and let her in, leading her over to the couch in his living room. "What's going on?"

"Luke's been after me for my statement," Andy replied, biting her lower lip. "I gave him most of mine, but Sam woke up—"

"Swarek's awake?" said Nick.

She saw his face fall a little. "Yeah, he just woke up a couple of hours ago." She shook her head, "That's not the point though… Nick, I don't know what to do. This whole thing was _my_ fault. If I'd told Sam or Frank about Marlo being bipolar sooner none of this would have happened. It's my fault, but he's trying to take the fall."

Nick sighed, wrapping his arms around her. "Andy, it's not your fault. There was no way you could have known this would happen." When she didn't respond, he continued, "Look, you have to figure out how important your job is to you, what it would mean if _you_ took the fall. Maybe you'd just be suspended, but you could also lose your job and I know your job means the world to you, so are you really prepared to give it up? If Swarek's offering you a way out, I think you should consider it."

"What?" she said, exasperated. She pulled out of Nick's embrace.

"I'm just saying you should consider it Andy," said Nick.

"Yeah, umm, I have to go," she said. She got to her feet, grabbed her things, and went straight to the door.

"Andy," said Nick, chasing after her. He grabbed her arm. "I'm just worried about you, that's all. I just want you to consider all of your options." He gave her a quick peck on the lips, but she immediately pulled away. "Andy—"

"Nick, I'm tired and confused. I need to go," she said, opening the door and letting it slam shut behind her. She'd hoped that talking to Nick would have helped, but it just made her angrier and even more confused.

She couldn't let Sam take the fall for her, but how could she possibly persuade him to change his mind? There was no sense in them both taking the fall.

When she got home, she collapsed on her bed, too exhausted to even think about how quiet and lonely her apartment felt.

* * *

She tossed and turned throughout the night, waking in the morning feeling miserable. After taking a shower, she changed, ate a quick breakfast, and dashed out the door to pick up a few things before heading back to the hospital.

As she walked down the corridor, she kept casting glances over her shoulder, half expecting an officer to be jumping down her throat. When she reached his room without any trouble, she took a deep breath and poked her head in enough to make sure the room was empty before quickly stepping inside and closing the door.

Sam was still sleeping. She watched him for a moment before sitting down in the chair beside his bed, using the next twenty minutes until he woke up to think. She knew she should have talked to Nick the night before about where they stood, but given that she was already upset, she wanted to wait until she was calmer to have that particular conversation with him.

"Callaghan said you aren't allowed in here," Sam said, his voice rough from sleep.

"What does it matter to you, you always break the rules?" Andy teased.

He smiled. "Don't get me wrong McNally, I'm glad you're here, but I know how much you hate breaking the rules. You might get caught."

She remained silent, then grabbed something from her bag and handed it to him.

He laughed. "A joke book?"

"Well, after hearing your hambulance joke, I think it's time you learned some new ones."

Sam shook his head, still laughing. "Alright, so read some to me."

She read a few jokes, but his laughing soon became wincing as each laugh sent pain riveting through his side. She snapped the book shut, and said, "The rest can wait."

He nodded, silently waiting for her to say more. She didn't. "Andy," he began, and he could tell he'd startled her by the use of her first name. He tried to keep his tone light when he continued. "Why are you here? You know you don't need to be."

Again, she remained silent.

He could see the guilt lining every feature in her face. "McNally, this isn't your fault."

"You were shot, Sam," Andy said, her voice shaking.

"But I'm fine, really. It hurts a little, but the doctors say I'll be fine, and I am. You really don't need to be here, if you don't want to be."

"I want to," she replied, though she couldn't bring herself to look at him.

"Look, McNally, I know you. I know that what you said to me was said because you felt like you needed to at the time. I get it, and I believed it," Sam said. He hesitated. "I know you're hurting and confused, and I know you want to do what's right, but Andy, there isn't always a right way. You need to be happy." He paused, wetting his lips as he tried to find the words. He struggled a little more before adding, "I want to make you happy, I really do, and I know I've screwed up over and over again…" He took a deep breath. "McNally, I love you… and I need you… but I also want you to do what's right for you, what will make you happy."

The tears welled up in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. As her eyes slowly made their way up to his face, she inhaled deeply and opened her mouth to speak, but a knock on the door interrupted them.

Andy quickly wiped the tears from her face, but didn't have a chance to hide. Her head snapped towards the door as it opened, but it wasn't anyone she recognized, yet there was something oddly familiar about the woman. She looked at Sam, whose shocked expression quickly turned into a smile.

"Sarah," he said.

"Sam, thank god you're okay. I tried to get back sooner, but we were on holiday and the storms kept the planes grounded," said the woman, walking right up to his bed. Sarah finally realized Andy was in the room and stared at her for a long moment.

"Sarah, this is Andy," said Sam, suddenly feeling a little awkward. "Andy, this is my sister."

Andy did everything she could to keep her jaw from dropping. She'd never met Sam's family before. She'd heard a little bit about Sarah, but not much, and she'd never seen any pictures either.

Andy hesitated, then held out her hand, but seeing Sam shake his head slightly, she pulled her hand back and smiled instead.

Sarah was still staring at her. "Wait, you're Andy?" said Sarah, eyes widening. "The Andy? As in Andy McNally?"

Andy frowned, looking to Sam for answers, but he lowered his eyes, avoiding the stares of both women.

"Uh, yeah," Andy said, fiddling with her watchband.

Sarah grinned.

"Umm, I have to go," said Andy, blurting out the first thing that came into her head. The intense look Sarah was giving her was making her nerves skyrocket. "I have this thing… uh, but it was nice to meet you, Sarah... Maybe I'll see you around."

She smiled a little awkwardly at them, then dashed out of the room. Once the door was closed, she leaned up against the wall and took a few deep breaths. Then realizing she wasn't even supposed to be at the hospital, she quickly made her way out and caught a cab.

**Thanks for reading! Up next, the Kevin Ford fiasco is "resolved", Sarah and Andy have a little chat, and Andy and Dov have something of a heart-to-heart. It's a pretty vague description, but I can't give too much away. Let me know what you think!**


	5. What I'm Missing

**Welcome back! Thanks for your reviews and follows. I hope you'll continue to let me know what you think! This chapter is longer than the others, and it's a little dialogue heavy so hopefully it doesn't seem too dense. There's a lot to be said though since it covers issues from season 3 and season 4.**

**Recap: Andy is partway through giving her statement when she learns Sam is awake. In a bid to protect him, Andy incriminates herself, leaving Sam struggling to clear her name. Despite being forbidden from seeing each other, Andy sneaks back into the hospital to see him, but every time they try to have a serious conversation, someone (the nurse or Sarah) unknowingly interrupts them.**

She needed time and space. At least that's what she thought she needed, but every time she thought about Sam lying in the hospital bed she felt the guilt creep up on her. It had been a few days since Andy had last gone to see him, since Sarah had interrupted their conversation. _He_ wanted her to be happy, to do what was right for her, and deep down she knew what that was, but she was scared and she wasn't so sure she was prepared to risk facing Sarah's intense gaze again, not when her own thoughts were still so muddled. Not to mention the consequences if she was caught sneaking into Sam's room. She was lucky enough the first time to get in and out unseen.

_Buzz_.

Andy looked down at her phone, frowning. It was Luke. He wanted her to meet him at the hospital in half an hour. She sent a quick response, then grabbed her things and headed over.

"Luke, why are we here?" she asked, once she was within a few metres of the entrance.

"I need to talk to you and Swarek." He pushed himself off the wall and stepped inside the hospital.

"About?" Andy pressed.

Luke remained silent, gesturing for her to follow him down the corridor.

"But you said I can't see him until we've both given our statements," she said, confused. "And I haven't finished giving the rest of mine."

"Andy, just trust me okay," said Luke, a hint of annoyance lacing his words.

She reluctantly nodded and followed Luke into Sam's room, her body tensing when she saw Sarah in the chair beside his bed.

"He just woke up," Sarah said, her eyes flicking from Luke to Andy, where they remained.

"We need to speak with him alone," Luke said, barely acknowledging Sam's sister.

Sarah nodded and left the room, briefly meeting Andy's eyes on her way out.

Unable to bring himself to look at Andy yet, Sam stared straight at Luke. "What's going on Callaghan?" he asked groggily.

"Marlo revised her statement," Luke said. "She confessed to everything, and she's denying either of you had any part in this."

"What does this mean?" asked Andy hesitantly.

"It appears you're both off the hook."

"But the book—" began Andy.

"What book?" asked Luke sharply. "I checked the books and they're fine Andy." He gave her a hard look, warning her to keep quiet.

She stared at him, wide eyed. He was covering for her. "But Luke—"

"I'd advise both of you not to say anything further. You've both been cleared, so let's keep it that way," Luke interrupted. "I can't be involved again."

Andy nodded. "Thank you."

Seeing the mixed expression on Sam's face, Luke added, "Marlo was going to take the fall anyway. There's nothing more you could have done for her… The second they test her, she's done. She won't be able to hide it, and right now, we just can't afford to lose anymore officers, so let it go Swarek."

Sam exhaled deeply and reluctantly nodded, but Andy could tell he was still torn.

As Luke turned to leave the room, he added, "Oh, and Andy, Frank wants to see you tomorrow morning. He's hoping to get you back to work on Friday."

Again, she nodded. In two days she _could_ be working again. She hadn't expected to be back so soon, and yet, Frank had given her leave for almost two weeks. It wasn't until the door was closed behind them that she finally allowed her eyes to settle back on Sam. For the first time since she'd entered the room, he finally looked up at her, their eyes locking. Silence encompassed them, until Andy couldn't take it any longer. "I'm sorry about Marlo," she blurted out.

"It's not your fault," Sam said, shaking his head. "I tried to protect her, but couldn't."

"I was the one that found out, and I didn't do anything," Andy said quietly. "I could have… I don't know. I… I could have _said_ something. _Done_ something. Anything."

"I didn't even know," Sam said, rubbing his face. "I should have known." He laughed dryly. "How could I not have seen it?"

"Nobody did," Andy replied.

Sam shook his head. "You should never have been put in that position, and I should never have asked you to help me cover for her."

Andy hesitated, then approached the side of his bed, reaching out for his hand. "I chose to help you, Sam," she said quietly.

He frowned. "You said you didn't do it for me."

"I… I may have lied," Andy said, biting down on her lower lip as a blush crept into her cheeks.

His eyes flicked from her hand to her face, but he was at a loss for words, so instead he took a moment to really study her. It was obvious she was conflicted about something. "What it is McNally?"

"It's just… Okay, I know this isn't exactly the time or place, but I guess I kind of need to know, what happened with us?" she asked. "And what…" She fell silent. She wanted to know where they stood, and what they were or weren't.

Sam opened his mouth, but said nothing. The meds were still clouding his thoughts a little and he wasn't so sure he could handle this conversation at the moment.

She took a deep breath and stared down at their hands as she spoke. "I guess what I'm trying to say is… If there's anything, any future for us… If that's what you want, I need you to talk to me and not just once or twice." She paused, wetting her lips. "I can't take not knowing what you're thinking or how you're feeling. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen one day to the next, and I know it's not easy for you, nothing was easy for us, but there can't be an _us_ if we can't even talk." When she looked up, she noted his discomfort.

When after a minute he still hadn't spoken, she let go of his hand, struggling to keep the tears at bay. "I… I have to go," she said, her voice cracking as she turned away.

"No," said Sam suddenly, his voice shaking. "Andy, please don't go. Just give me a minute, let me explain. I'll do anything, just don't go." He reached for her hand and after a moment's hesitation she turned back to him, tears rolling down her cheeks.

She stared at him in silence, surprised by the slight trembling in his hand.

"Look, I know I've been an idiot, and I know I've screwed up so many times," Sam began. "I wish I hadn't. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't and I don't always know what to do or what to say. I wish I did, and I wish you knew…" He paused, struggling to find the words. "The way I feel about you, I've never felt that before." Again, he paused. Already he could tell that this conversation was going to completely drain him of what little energy he had, but if he didn't try, he risked losing a lot more. After another deep breath he continued. "When Jerry died, it messed me up; I didn't know what to do. All I could think about was what if it had been you, or what if something ever happened to you… I was scared."

"I wanted to help you Sam," Andy said, tears still rolling down her cheeks. "I wanted to be there for you, to help you through it, but you pushed me away." She shook her head. "If you really didn't blame me for his death, then how could breaking up with me possibly make things better?"

He rubbed his face with his free hand. "I know it doesn't make sense, but…" He swallowed hard. "I didn't want to tell you how I felt because I was scared that if I actually admitted it and ended up losing you that I'd break or—"

She laughed dryly. "Yeah, well, I know how that feels, and you know what? It did hurt, a lot, but I still took that risk and I told you—"

"That's not—"

"You know, I told you because I meant it and I wanted us to work, but I was so stupid. I saw a future with you, but I don't think you ever did," Andy said, struggling to compose herself. "I mean, you broke up with me because there's a possibility I could die in the line of duty. But you know what? I could step outside this hospital and be hit by a car, or I could live to be 95. There's no way of knowing… But you expect me to believe that you left me because of a hypothetical situation?"

Sam groaned. "That's not what I meant, and that's not true. I did see a future with you. Maybe I didn't believe it could actually happen, but I wanted it."

"I want to believe that, I really do, but I just don't even really know what you mean anymore because right now, nothing you've said recently makes any sense."

He sighed. How could he get her to understand? "Andy, my best friend died and all I could think about was what if it was you. And all I could think about after that was that maybe if we weren't together, then I wouldn't have to be afraid and I wouldn't have to hurt. It isn't exactly a secret that I can't think straight when you're in danger, and I don't want to be the reason you get hurt or worse. So yeah, I thought putting some space between us was the best thing for us. I thought I could protect you better that way, but I was wrong. About everything."

"And it took me holding a grenade for you to realize that?"

He leaned his head back for a moment, closing his eyes. He felt like she was prepared to walk out the door at any moment, and if she did, she might not come back. Forcing his eyes open again, he said, "No, not exactly. I knew before that, that I'd made a mistake, but I didn't know how to fix it. There were so many times I wanted to tell you how wrong I was, but every time I tried, I couldn't find the words. Every time I opened my mouth, I just ended up making things worse."

"Like asking for your keys back right before shift?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, like that."

She shook her head, still trying to wrap her head around things. "I just don't get it Sam. No matter how many times I replay it in my head, I just don't get it." She took a deep breath before continuing. "You broke up with me, acted like you didn't care, and then when I'm holding a grenade, you finally decide to tell me?"

"I couldn't help it," Sam admitted. "I knew I'd made a mistake, but the thought of losing you, _actually_ losing you… I had to. Losing you to my own stupidity already hurt; I couldn't lose you permanently without you knowing that I loved you. I needed you to understand that. I needed you to know."

"Yeah Sam, and then you said you'd make me dinner and take out the trash," she said. "But I went undercover and when I came back you didn't seem to care. You'd moved on. So, how can you possibly expect me to believe you when you did that?"

"I did care, Andy," Sam argued. "But when I found out you'd left, you broke my heart… I didn't know what to do, or when you'd come back. All I knew was that I told you how I felt and you left." Before she could interrupt, he added, "What was I supposed to think? How was I supposed to feel? It seemed like you'd already made your decision."

She stared down at the sheets in silence.

Sam hesitated, then forced himself to continue. "I thought you didn't feel the same way. I told myself that you would have found a way to tell me if you did. But you didn't… I waited, but I was broken." His voice cracked. "You have to believe me when I say that I didn't think there was a possibility for _us_; if I thought there was even the smallest chance, I would have waited. But, I didn't have anything to go by, so when Marlo came along, I tried to move on, be happy, and it helped for a bit." Sam sighed. "It was easy. She didn't ask questions. It wasn't emotional. Things were… stable. But then you came back... I thought it would go away, but when I saw you, everything I felt for you came back too." He shook his head, laughing dryly. "I don't think it was actually ever gone, but I had to believe it was. And I tried to ignore it, but every time I saw you I was reminded of what I was missing."

"Then why didn't you say something?"

"How could I?" he asked. "You left. I thought we were over, that you wanted nothing to do with me." Sam hesitated. "And I was with Marlo... Things were finally easy, and…" He fell silent, cursing the medication as he saw the expression on her face. He tugged on her hand to prevent her from moving away. "But that's the thing. I realized I didn't want easy; I wanted you."

"But you still didn't say anything," said Andy, confused.

"Because I saw the way you started looking at Nick, and how he was with you."

"But right before all of this," Andy began, gesturing to their surroundings, "When you were leaving the barn, you finally told me. Why?"

Sam hesitated.

"Why Sam? Why tell me after so long?" she asked a little more forcefully.

"I saw you kiss him," he said, and he could tell that the abruptness with which he'd said it had taken her by surprise. "Seeing the way you were around each other was hard enough, but when I saw _that_, I just couldn't…" He paused. "Look, I want you to be happy Andy, but I can't see _that_ and not feel anything. It hurts, and I know it's my fault, but if I can't change the way I feel and if I can't be with you, then I can't be around you either."

She looked stunned. "Sam," she said, the word coming out as a sob. "I—"

Sam's face fell as the door opened and Sarah stepped into the room.

"Am I interrupting?" Sarah asked, her eyes flicking from her brother to Andy's tearstained face.

After a quick look at Andy, he turned to Sarah. "No," he replied. He felt, rather than saw, the hurt look on Andy's face. The way he saw it though, she still needed more time before they talked some more. He was certain though that he'd at least said enough to keep her from running away completely. And, as much as he wanted to put the past behind them, he was exhausted, and he didn't have the energy to hash out the rest right now. The look on Sarah's face told him that if he didn't get rid of them both, he was in for a few more rounds of questioning. "I'm actually really tired though," he said.

Sarah's eyes narrowed as she studied her brother. "Andy, will you join me for a cup of coffee?"

Sam quirked an eyebrow at his sister. There was a gleam in her eyes that suggested the invitation wasn't as innocent as getting a cup of coffee.

"Sarah," Sam warned. The last thing he needed was for his sister to rock the boat.

Sarah ignored him, instead staring at Andy as she waited for an answer.

"Uh," Andy said. Did she want to be alone with the woman? No. Being under her scrutinizing gaze was bad enough. She couldn't seem to come up with an excuse though. "Yeah, sure," she reluctantly agreed, releasing Sam's hand as she spoke. She glanced at him once more before leaving without a word.

* * *

Once seated at a table at the little café downstairs, Sarah turned to Andy. "You know, Sam's never had it easy. He had a really rough childhood, growing up without a mother and, well, our father… that man blamed Sam for everything. He wasn't the best dad, not by any means. He was abusive… It was just really hard, you know?"

Andy nodded. She really had no idea, but she wanted to.

"Sam dealt with it, but it's taken its toll," Sarah said sadly. "He didn't have the kind of childhood he should have had… I tried to raise Sam the best I could, but after the accident I was never the same. Did he tell you about that?"

Again, Andy nodded.

Sarah studied her for a moment before continuing. "I couldn't be the sister or mother-figure he needed me to be. Growing up, he'd relied on me for a lot of things, but after the accident, he was the one taking care of me and he didn't even understand what had changed or why. He was too young, and I didn't have the heart to explain it to him."

"But you did eventually," Andy said, finally finding her voice.

"When he was older," Sarah said, nodding. She sighed. "When I was old enough, I moved out, found a place of my own. It wasn't great, but it was better than what we'd been living in. I tried to take Sam with me, but he wouldn't come. I knew he wanted to leave, I knew he hated our dad, but Sam's always had this intense loyalty." Sarah paused. "You have to understand that our father was in a really bad place and despite what he'd done to us, Sam couldn't leave him. He wanted to help the man and nothing I said could persuade him otherwise, so he stayed for as long as he could, but like me, he ended up moving out once he was old enough. I know it hit him hard. He got mixed up in a lot of bad things, and not a day goes by that I don't regret not interfering, doing something to help him. Anything."

"I'm sure you did everything you could," Andy said quietly.

Sarah gave her a small smile, but it was a sad one. "He had a few run-ins with the law, but it actually turned out to be the best thing to happen to him. The officer involved didn't charge him; instead, he motivated Sam to go back to school."

Andy frowned. "He told me he went to school to be a cop because he wanted to protect you."

Sarah nodded. "Sam's always been protective of me. He's protective of anything he cares about. It's actually one of the few ways you can tell that he cares." Again, she studied Andy. "He's never been good with words; I'm sure you've realized that by now. I mean, sure, he can hold a conversation, tell some jokes, but when it comes to the hard things, the emotional stuff, there's just a barrier. But you can always tell by his actions."

Andy nodded.

"He loves you; I hope you know that… He might not tell you as often as you'd like, but it's obvious." Sarah smiled. "Oliver's told me some stories, but it's more than that. I see the way he looks at you. He's never looked at anyone like that before. And he's changed in the last few years. Seems happier. I didn't know what it was, and even with Oliver's stories, I couldn't be sure until I saw you with him."

Andy remained silent.

"This last year though, he's reverted back to who he was years ago. He's hurting, and now I know why," Sarah said. "The thing is, he still loves you and I've seen the way you look at him too. And I want him to be happy, but I don't want to see him get hurt. He's had too much pain in his life; I can't see him go through it again, so whatever you do, be sure about it because this is it for him. You're it for him."

Before Andy could say anything, Sarah was gone and she was left sitting alone at the table, her mind racing as she tried to absorb everything.

* * *

_Twenty minutes later_…

It wasn't until she was a few feet from the hospital's front entrance that she realized she hadn't gone to see Dov in awhile. Turning back towards the café, she ordered another cup of coffee to go, then climbed several flights of stairs.

"Hey Dov," said Andy softly, coming to stand beside him. He looked terrible, like he hadn't been sleeping or eating. Once again she felt the guilt creep in. If she'd said something about Marlo sooner, maybe Kevin Ford wouldn't have started attacking 15 Division. Maybe then Chloe wouldn't be fighting for her life.

"Hey," he replied, barely casting her a glance. He remained staring through the glass to where a woman lay still on a hospital bed.

"How's she doing?"

Dov sighed. "The doctor said the swelling hasn't gotten worse, but she still isn't showing any signs of improvement. She hasn't even regained consciousness. And _he_ won't let me in there anymore."

"What?" said Andy, wide eyed. She looked over at the man sitting in the chair beside Chloe's bed. "That's the guy saying he's Chloe's husband?"

Dov nodded. "Yup. And ever since I told him I was dating Chloe he's been trying to shut me out. I even got doctor recommendations, saying surgery is her best bet," his voice cracked. "But he's keeping me from seeing her, and he won't listen. And because he has documentation saying he's her husband, I don't have a say. There's absolutely nothing I can do except stand here hoping she wakes up."

"I'm so sorry Dov," said Andy, wrapping an arm around her friend. Without knowing what else to do, she handed him the coffee.

"Thanks," he said. "How's Swarek?"

"Uh, he's awake," said Andy.

"Good," said Dov. He finally turned to her. "Then at least you have the chance I might never have."

Andy frowned, watching as Dov turned back to look through the glass. "You'll get your chance."

When Dov didn't respond, Andy said, "Listen, I have to go, but if there's anything I can do, let me know, okay? I mean it. Even if it's kicking that guy's as—"

For the first time since Chloe was admitted, Dov allowed himself a laugh. "Thanks Andy."

She gave him a quick hug. "Chloe's strong, Dov, she'll make it and you'll figure things out."

**Thanks again for reading! So, clearly Sarah has terrible timing, but at least Sam revealed a LOT more in this chapter. There's still a lot more to be dealt with though. Up next, Andy reveals more of her own thoughts and feelings, but whom will she tell?**


	6. Second Choice or Second Chance?

**Welcome back! Thanks for your reviews/follows/favourites! As always, I hope you'll continue to let me know what you think.**

**I tried fixing this chapter three times and lost the changes twice. Unfortunately the second version was the best, but I can't remember all of the changes, so my apologies, but right now I'm really not in the mood to go over it again. **

**Recap: Andy is partway through giving her statement when she learns Sam is awake. In a bid to protect him, Andy incriminates herself, leaving Sam struggling to clear her name. Despite being forbidden from seeing each other, Andy sneaks back into the hospital to see him, but every time they try to have a serious conversation, someone (the nurse or Sarah) unknowingly interrupts them. Marlo ends up taking the fall for the Ford fiasco. Sam and Andy have another chat, in which Sam reveals quite a bit, but once again, Sarah interrupts. This time, Sarah invites Andy for coffee where she then provides some insight into Sam's childhood and how it has affected him. **

**Scene 1**

When Andy woke up her head was pounding and she had a dull ache in her chest. She'd tossed and turned for the greater part of the night, and when she'd finally fallen asleep, she found herself being jolted awake a couple of hours later by a loud thump from the unit above her. As hard as she tried to drift back to sleep, she couldn't ignore the guilt that was steadily growing inside of her. It wasn't fair to just leave Sam the night before without saying anything, but the look he'd given her had left her so confused and scared.

Tears welled up in her eyes. This wasn't fair to Sam or to Nick. They were both great guys, but that was the problem. Her heart was torn, and although she thought she knew what she wanted, there was an unsettled feeling in the pit of her stomach, and that had her hesitating.

Knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep anymore, she got up and quickly changed, entering the hospital half an hour later.

"If you're looking to visit someone, you'll have to wait a few more hours," one of the nurses said.

Andy opened her mouth, tears rolling down her cheeks as she struggled to find the words.

"It's okay sweetie, go on in," another nurse said, coming up behind her. It was a nurse she'd seen during a previous visit.

"Thank you," Andy breathed, managing a small smile before making her way to Sam's room.

She hesitated in the doorway, listening to the sound of his breathing. When a wave of calm started to roll over her, she quietly made her way into the room and sat in one of the chairs beside the bed. Before she knew it, she was drifting off to sleep, legs curled up in the chair and head resting against her knees.

**Scene 2**

Sam stirred a few hours later, squinting against the sunlight until his eyes landed on Andy. The sight of her immediately washed the grogginess away. He still had no idea what Sarah had said to her, but he'd fallen asleep wondering if she'd ever come back. And now that she was here, he wondered why. His eyes soaked up the sight, his eyes lingering on her sleeping form for another half hour until her eyelids fluttered open and she raised her head. He felt a dull ache in his chest – it had been over a year since he'd watched her sleep or seen her wake up.

Feeling his eyes on her, she swallowed hard. She'd intended to get up and leave before he woke up. "I…" She paused, staring down at her hands. "I couldn't sleep."

"Clearly," he replied, his lips twitching as she rubbed her eyes, but the smile never fully formed.

Her eyes flicked up to meet his. "Until I got here," she said quietly.

"So you thought you'd sneak in and see if you could sleep better in a hard, plastic chair?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow.

She pressed her lips together. "Well, no. I couldn't sleep and I…" She got to her feet. "I love you." Her eyes widened at that – she hadn't meant to let it slip out again, not yet. It had sort of just tumbled out of her mouth. "Uh," she began, panic consuming her. "I mean... I do, I meant it. In the ambulance, I meant what I said. I just… I need some time to figure things out… To just deal with one thing at a time. But I don't want you to go." She let out a frustrated sigh. "I mean, I want you to leave here. The hospital. But not _leave_. I don't want you to leave me."

He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to take everything in. "I'm not going anywhere McNally." It was true, unless she stayed with Nick. Unless there was no chance of being with her again.

Andy nodded once. "Good." She nodded again to reassure herself.

"McNally?" Sam said, "Breathe."

She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I'm scared." There was a brief pause. "No, I'm _terrified_." Her eyes flicked to her watch. "And I'm going to be late for my meeting with Frank." Without another word or glance, she dashed out of the room, leaving Sam staring at the empty doorway in confusion.

What she'd said had given him some hope, yet her behaviour towards him still seemed off, and he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to believe that her words were anything more than a spur of the moment confession. After all, she hadn't mentioned anything about ending things with Nick, and she said she still had some things to figure out. Letting his head fall back against the pillows, he stared up at the ceiling, his mind reeling until his eyelids became too heavy and he fell asleep again.

**Scene 3**

Andy hesitated outside of 15 Division's doors. The last time she'd been inside, Sam was shot _and_ he'd told her how he felt… sort of. She felt another pang of guilt – she'd just left him at the hospital _again_, no doubt confused. After mentally kicking herself, she flung the doors open and stepped inside. She had to pull herself together.

"Andy!"

She looked up to see Traci walking towards her. "Hey Traci," she said, pushing her current thoughts aside and forcing a smile.

"Are you back today?" her friend asked, frowning.

"Just a meeting with Frank," she replied. "Luke said I might be able to start tomorrow though."

"You sure you're up for that?"

Andy frowned. "Yeah… yeah, I'm fine. You know, I could really use something to take my mind off things."

"How's Swarek?"

Her eyes widened. "Uh, Sam's good... Yeah, he's awake and talking. And his sister's here, so that's good.. really good." She could feel Traci's eyes on her, studying her carefully.

"How's Nick?"

She bit down on her lower lip. Surely Traci would have seen Nick by now. "Nick is umm… Nick is…"

"Complicated?" Traci suggested.

Andy nodded.

"It's going to be okay," Traci said, giving her a small but reassuring smile.

All Andy could really do was nod again. They continued walking, only parting ways when they reached the top of the stairs leading to the Detectives' office and Frank's office.

"Let me know if you need anything, okay?" Traci said, giving Andy's right shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"Thanks Trace," Andy replied, watching as her friend vanished into the D's office before turning and knocking on Frank's door.

He'd seen her coming, so she'd barely knocked when he waved for her to come in. "How are you holding up?"

"Good," Andy lied. "I'm good."

Frank met her eyes for a brief moment before continuing. "Callaghan mentioned about coming back to work?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow?"

He nodded. "I know things have been rough lately and I'll understand if you need more time off, but we're short-staffed at the moment and could really use your help."

"No sir, I'm ready to come back."

"Are you sure?" Frank asked.

She nodded.

"Alright, you're on first shift tomorrow morning then." Frank leaned back in his chair. "But you'll be on desk duty… Ease you back into things."

Andy frowned. Why was she being eased back into things when nobody else had been? "But sir," she began. She hesitated. "I'd actually prefer to be out on the streets."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Frank replied, meeting her eyes again. "It's been a stressful time—"

"For everyone, not just me," Andy argued, unconsciously folding her arms across her chest. "Who else was eased back in? Who else was forced to ride the desk? Has anyone? Or am I being punished for something?"

Frank's eyes widened. She didn't normally question his authority.

Andy bit down on her lower lip, her heartbeat quickening as she waited for his response. She knew she might be pushing it, but she didn't want to be stuck in the barn with the constant reminder that Sam had been shot and that others had been injured because of her actions. She wanted to be out on the streets where she'd be preoccupied and feel like she was making a difference.

"Go talk to the therapist. If she clears you for it, then I'll put you down for patrol," Frank replied. There was no way he was going to let her go back out on the streets if she wasn't in a good emotional place.

She reluctantly nodded. "Thank you sir," she said, slowly rising from her chair. Before she could make it out of the office, Frank's voice stopped her.

"McNally, how's Swarek doing?"

Andy frowned. Why did everyone expect her to know how Sam was doing? Yeah, she'd been in the ambulance with him and she'd been there while they prepped him, but they hadn't been a couple since Jerry's death. In fact, she was probably the last person people should be asking considering how things had been in the last year. Not that she wouldn't have wanted to know how Sam was doing, but given that in the past year, the most she really knew about Sam had been through observing him or from what Oliver had shared with her, it surprised her that everyone suddenly thought she was the expert on Sam's wellbeing. With that in mind, she also silently questioned why she'd been given time off – more time than was necessary to give her statement and be cleared. Taking a deep breath, she said, "He's getting better."

Frank smiled. "Good."

With that, Andy left the room. She grabbed her uniform and quickly made her way to the therapist's office. Seeing an open door, she poked her head in and knocked softly. "Are you free? Frank said I need to talk to you to be cleared for patrol tomorrow."

The therapist nodded. "Come on in and sit down," she said, closing the door behind Andy. "Is there anything in particular that you'd like to talk about?"

Andy sat down on the couch. "I need to get back out on the street, out on patrol, you know? I can't be in here, stuck behind a desk, constantly being reminded of everything that happened."

"With Kevin Ford?"

She nodded.

"Tell me about what happened... how you feel."

"How I feel?" Andy asked in disbelief. "How am I supposed to feel? Sam was shot. He was leaving the barn because of me... He said he couldn't be here anymore, that he wanted me to be happy and that I was happy with Nick, so he had to leave. So yeah, I guess I feel guilty because if I'd done something, said something, then maybe none of this would have happened."

"And Nick is your boyfriend?"

"Well…" Andy grimaced. "He…" She let out a frustrated sigh. "Technically we haven't exactly talked, so I guess that would be a yes?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" the therapist said.

"It's complicated. _Everything_ is complicated, which is really weird because things have never been complicated with Nick, until now… You know, it's always been easy, no expectations, just taking it as we go kind of thing. Simple. And—"

"What changed?"

"Everything... Sam was shot. I went with him in the ambulance, was in the room while he was prepped for surgery. I told him things that I shouldn't have, not because I didn't mean them, but because I was with Nick." Andy bit down on her lower lip. "Sam _is_ Sam though. He was shot, but it was hard enough getting him to stay down right after, so in the ambulance I needed to say something, keep him quiet but give him something to focus on. Not that he really talks much anyway. Actually, that's kind of the problem." She shook her head, attempting to get back on track. "I told him I love him. I mean, who does that when they're in a relationship with another guy? A great guy... Yeah, Nick is really great, and things with Sam have always been complicated... He's always been there for me, but it's never really been easy with him." She paused for a fraction of a second. "It isn't easy without him either though... Actually, it's _really_ hard. And at first I thought I could do it, that I could get over him the same way he was getting over me, but it's not that simple. I just can't erase—"

"Let's go back to the moment he told you he had to leave," the therapist said, scribbling a few sentences on her notepad.

"Oh, okay," Andy said, confused. Her thoughts were all over the place. "Well, we didn't really get a chance to talk. He sort of just said it, caught me off guard and then started to leave... He told me once that I wasn't her, but aside from that, what he said that night was the only thing that really made me think that maybe he still felt something… for me. But then he just turned and started leaving."

"And?"

"I followed... I followed him and we saw Oliver's squad car, Ford's jacket, and things sort of just blew up from there. We both went into cop mode, except Sam didn't have his vest or gun. I mean, he was leaving because of me." She paused as tears started forming in her eyes. "And he could have died."

"And how did all of this make you feel?"

"Scared… terrified. Not a whole lot has gone right lately, I didn't want to screw anything up... I don't want to make the wrong decision, but I don't know if I even know what the right decision is anymore... I was just scared of losing Sam, _actually_ losing him. I mean, it was hard enough having my heartbroken, but I don't know what I'd do if he'd actually died. And that makes me feel guilty because I'm supposed to be in a relationship with Nick, but I still have feelings for Sam. And I just really don't want to lose either one... And I'm scared because as good as things have been with Nick, I need Sam and if we're not together then he's going to leave." She took a deep breath. "But I don't know if I can really go back to how things were... It didn't work the first time, and even though he was open and honest in the hospital, I can't help but wonder if it's only a matter of time before he shuts down on me again, and I don't know if I can go through that anymore."

The therapist made a few more notes.

"But I really don't see how this has anything to do with whether or not I'm capable of being on patrol tomorrow," Andy said rather abruptly. She'd been so caught up in her own thoughts that she'd sort of just gone along with the questions, but now that it had occurred to her, she wondered if Frank thought she wasn't emotionally stable, and that hurt. Her thoughts were confirmed seconds later.

"I'm just trying to get a sense of where you're at emotionally," the therapist replied. "See what could potentially blur your vision or ability to think and react. After a traumatic event, it's standard procedure."

Andy frowned.

"I've already spoken to the other officers."

"Oh," she said, feeling a little better knowing that she wasn't being singled out. "Do you believe people can change? _Really_ change?"

"If they want it badly enough, then yes."

She nodded. After a hesitant moment Andy said, "I didn't even think about it… going in the ambulance. I just went. Didn't even think to tell Nick. I just got in. I had to. It's like it wasn't even a decision. And that scares me because I thought I was falling for Nick, but in a single instant, it's like everything changed. My heart just…" She shook her head. "I didn't think, I just reacted, and after so long being apart, it scares me that I still need Sam so much. And it terrifies me that I might give up something great because my heart won't let go of him, even though I'm not so sure we're good together."

The therapist nodded, her eyes flicking to Andy's uniform. "Why did you bring your uniform with you?"

Andy's eyes widened, startled by the abrupt shift in the conversation. "I'm taking it to be dry-cleaned. A fresh start, you know? I mean, I know it won't exactly be a fresh start, but it's always sort of helped in the past."

"Okay, well, here's what I want you to do. I know it won't be easy and I don't want you to rush, but I think before you go back on the streets you need to clear your plate a little more. So, I want you to try to find some time to sit down and talk to Nick, and to Sam. Separately. Get a better sense of things, clear your head. Then when you've done that and you're ready, come back and speak to me and I'll give Frank my recommendation then. Okay?"

Andy nodded. It wasn't exactly what she was hoping for, but at least tomorrow she'd be back at work in one capacity or another. Now she just had to tackle her other problems.

**Scene 4**

She made her way out of the building without being seen by any of her close friends, letting out a sigh of relief as she cleared the building and stepped out into the fresh air. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy their company, but she couldn't handle another person asking her about Sam or Nick, or even about how she was.

Sam's truck had her stopping in her tracks. She had so many memories of it. Like the time Sam let her borrow it when she lost a witness and evidence that Luke had told her to watch. She'd also told Sam she loved him for the first time in that truck. And when she'd gotten back from her undercover operation, he'd driven her to The Penny and they'd had a short conversation about what happened with them. She remembered asking about Marlo, and he'd said, "She isn't you." Tears started rolling down her cheeks. "Pull it together," Andy told herself.

She forced herself to turn away from the truck and head in the direction of the drycleaners before heading home to do some cleaning. She scrubbed her walls, floors, kitchen, and bathrooms until every muscle in her body ached. She knew she'd regret it in the morning, especially if she was put back on patrol, but she'd needed a distraction until Nick came over – she'd texted him shortly after leaving the station, knowing that if she didn't ask to talk to him at that point, then she wouldn't muster up the courage to talk to him and sort things out. She was right. As the day progressed, she became more and more nervous. And when there was a knock at the door, her entire body tensed.

"Hey," she croaked, as she opened the door. Her eyes hesitantly made their way up to Nick's face, but she didn't have to get that far to know that he was distancing himself from her – his body language said it all.

"You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah, come in," Andy said, leading him over to the couch.

Words escaped her as they sat there. No matter how hard she tried to find something to say, she couldn't. Even after mulling things over all day, and really every day since the accident, she suddenly felt lost. The whole thing was proving to be even more difficult than she'd initially thought.

"You were never really over him, were you?" Nick asked, getting a pretty good idea of what had been going through her head.

"I thought I was," Andy admitted. "I really thought I was, but…" She swallowed hard. "Seeing him on the ground after he was shot… seeing how vulnerable he was and how much pain he was in… knowing he might die… I didn't know what to think or how to feel, and honestly, I'm still not so sure I really even know."

"I wish you'd been honest with me from the start."

Her eyes widened. "I was," she said. "I was being honest with you. I tried to get over him, and I thought I was… I was falling for you Nick, you have to know that?"

"Yeah Andy, I do, but it doesn't make this any easier," Nick said. "But I can't be your second choice. I don't want to be, and I know that as long as Swarek's around, that's all I'll ever be."

Tears rolled down Andy's cheeks. She wanted to deny it, but she wasn't so sure she could honestly say that Nick wasn't her second choice or that he'd ever been anything but her second choice. He was great, but that wasn't enough for her to be able to say those words.

"I wish things were different, but I don't want to have to compete with whatever is going on between the two of you."

Andy remained silent. Nick was breaking up with her. She'd been about to head down that path anyway, but the fact that he was initiating it caught her off guard a little.

Nick leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Goodbye Andy." With that, he got up and left her apartment without so much as a glance behind him.

She remained on the couch, stunned. The look on his face and his entire demeanour when he'd stepped into her place should have been enough warning for what was to come, but it still felt like a slap to the face. She'd been falling for him, and seeing him this way now hurt. She wished she hadn't been the cause. He was a great guy, and she cared about him deeply, but he was right and although she knew it, losing Nick still made her heart ache. It was a long while before her eyes flicked back to the door. She'd just watched him walk out, not knowing if he was walking out on their relationship or out of her life completely. Her thoughts shifted. If it had been Sam instead, would she have stopped him? _Yes_.

**Thanks again for reading! Let me know what you think.**

**Up next, Sam really starts to doubt Andy's feelings when after about a week he still hasn't heard from her. Meanwhile, Andy returns to work, finds herself overwhelmed with overtime, and (being the danger magnet that she is) also finds herself in trouble.**

**Twitter - RB_ADI2DE**


	7. Before the Darkness

**Welcome back! Thanks for your reviews/follows/favourites! I hope you'll continue to let me know what you think.**

**...Alright, I made some minor changes to move things along faster, so here we go…**

**Recap: ****Andy is partway through giving her statement when she learns Sam is awake. In a bid to protect him, Andy incriminates herself, leaving Sam struggling to clear her name. Despite being forbidden from seeing each other, Andy sneaks back into the hospital to see him, but every time they try to have a serious conversation, someone (the nurse or Sarah) unknowingly interrupts them. Marlo ends up taking the fall for the Ford fiasco. Sam and Andy have another chat, in which Sam reveals quite a bit, but once again, Sarah interrupts. This time, Sarah invites Andy for coffee where she then provides some insight into Sam's childhood and how it has affected him. When Andy returns to the hospital, she tells Sam she loves him again, but that she needs time to figure things out… After meeting with Frank, Andy talks to the therapist in an attempt to get cleared for working on the streets, but she's told she needs to clear her head a little more first. This leads to Nick and Andy's chat, which ends with their breakup.**

"Big day?" the drycleaner asked.

Andy's head snapped up from her phone. "Umm, something like that." She forced a small smile as she grabbed some cash from her wallet and handed it to him. As she left the drycleaner's, her eyes flicked to her watch. She was definitely going to be early for work, and as much as she didn't want to be in the barn and be reminded of what happened, she was too antsy to just be sitting around at home. She had to do something. Keep her mind occupied. As it was, the entire way to the station was spent unconsciously fiddling with the plastic that protected her freshly cleaned uniform.

When she finally reached the station, she hurried to the changeroom and changed into her uniform in record time. "You've got this," Andy muttered repeatedly, as she paced the length of the room at least five times before heading to the therapist's office.

"Come in," the therapist said. When she finally looked up and took in Andy's appearance, she added, "I see you're already in uniform."

"I'm ready to get back out there." Andy's voice was firm, unwavering, despite how nervous she felt.

"And did you think about what I said yesterday?"

Andy nodded. "I spoke with Nick… and we broke things off."

The therapist waited for Andy to continue.

"And I talked to Sam… sort of." Oops! That last part wasn't supposed to come out. She nervously ran her sweaty palms over her thighs. Maybe the therapist hadn't noticed. _Breathe Andy_, she scolded herself.

"Sort of?" The woman's eyebrows shot upward.

Andy withheld a groan. "Well, I umm... I told him I need some more time to figure things out. You know, clear my plate a little…" Technically it was true, she had said that, but that had been before their meeting yesterday.

"And?"

"Annnnnd he said he wasn't going anywhere," Andy replied, struggling to keep everything else to herself. The last thing she needed was to ramble and say something that the therapist could and probably would use against her.

"Do you believe him?"

Andy silently cursed. She hadn't quite anticipated another round of questions like this. Not today. She withheld a sigh. Did she believe Sam when he said it? She wanted to, she really did. "Uh… well…" Andy took a deep breath. "I think he wants to, I _really_ do." She paused. "There was just something in his eyes and the way he's been talking lately that makes me think he's serious... like _really_ serious this time, and not just saying it because... well, I don't know why... I mean, I don't think he'd say it if he didn't mean it... Except there was this one time that he said he wouldn't give up without a fight, and then he did." She silently cursed herself for letting her mouth run wild again. "But I think this time is different." She rushed out. "So yeah, I guess I believe him." She cursed herself again. _I guess?_ _Really? I'll be lucky if she doesn't pick that one apart._

"But…?"

And there it was, the need to define her worries. The reason she was so hesitant to move forward, to take that risk. Andy rubbed her face. "_But_ we have a lot of issues. A messy track record. It's just complicated, you know? I mean, I love him, I really do, but I just need some time to make sure this is the right thing... for both of us... To make sure I'm not going to walk into this and end up reliving history because I don't want to go through that again, but I don't want to lose him either. I can't lose him."

The therapist merely nodded. "And what about Nick? How do you feel about where things stand with him?"

Andy hesitated. "I'm okay. Things are... okay..." She took a deep breath. "I mean, nothing is easy these days, but really, I'm okay…" She nodded, but she wasn't sure if she was trying to reassure the therapist or herself. "Okay, it's uh... it's like this." She kicked off her shoes and pulled her legs up onto the couch, crossing them. The way things were, it was different, you know? Nick and I were just taking things one day at a time, dealing with everything as it came." She paused. "There weren't really any expectations for our relationship. And, I don't think it was really even defined until Kevin Ford started attacking our division... until we kissed in the hallway before he headed out. And even then, it was almost like a silent agreement that maybe we were something. More than just… well…" She paused again. "Whatever we were. But I think that's why things with him were so easy." As her mind settled on Nick, she added, "And I miss him, I really do, but I understand. I get it. And as much as I care about him, being with him and having feelings for Sam just wasn't fair to him. So, I am okay, and I think it's going to take time, but I'm hoping that one day maybe we can go back to being friends. But if not, I get it."

"So as it currently stands, do you think working together will be an issue? Or will your history with Nick interfere with your work in any way?" the therapist asked as she jotted down a few notes.

"No," said Andy, although she wasn't too sure. "I mean, there always seems to be some sort of tension around here… But we deal with it. We put aside our differences, our opinions, and our feelings, and we do the job."

"So you just flip the switch?"

"Well, no," Andy admitted, frowning. "It isn't easy, but we do it because we're coppers and that's part of our job. We know our priorities and we're not going to let our differences get in the way of saving someone's life. I mean, I was engaged to a detective here. He cheated on me, and we still worked together, or at least closely, for quite some time until he eventually left. And, he still comes by to help out with a case every once in awhile, and yeah, it was hard at first, but we did our jobs. So, if I could deal with that back then, then I'm positive that I can deal with things now."

It was another twenty minutes before the therapist finally released Andy, by which time most of the officers were heading for parade. Since she was already in uniform, she headed straight there, taking a seat near the front. As some of the other officers filed into the room, she attempted to smile at a few of them, but her heart just wasn't in it. Worse still, was seeing Nick walk through the door. He glanced at her, but that was it. And that kind of hurt because even before they had gotten close she usually got a smile from him. Then again, she suspected he'd really been falling for her, so she really shouldn't be disappointed by his attitude toward her now. She felt a pang of guilt.

Frank's talk was short. Numbers were a little low, but not bad, and there weren't any major cases for the day. All in all, it sounded like a pretty slow day, unless the radio came to life. That's when the bombshell was dropped. She'd felt pretty confident that she'd said enough to be put back on the streets…

"McNally," Frank said as everyone left the room. "We're falling behind on paperwork and could really use your help closing up some of the cases."

Her eyes widened. "I wasn't cleared?"

Frank studied her for a long moment. "Technically, you could be released for patrol, but…" He paused. Honestly, he didn't want her back out on the streets quite yet. She still seemed to be dealing with a lot, and he felt it was best if she could work through things a little more. Admitting that wouldn't go over well though. "You're good at paperwork McNally. It's always neat, fast. And we have a lot of catching up to do. It will only take a few days and then I'll get you back out on patrol."

Andy reluctantly nodded. She didn't really have a choice. As she turned to go, Frank's voice stopped her.

"The hospital called this morning. They said Swarek will likely be released within a week. He won't be fit for light duty for awhile, but it's a good sign that they're releasing him this soon."

Andy nodded. She'd had no idea. Then again, she hadn't seen him this morning. She felt another pang of guilt. But she still needed time to think. And that's exactly what she did the entire time she worked on paperwork, and not just that day either, but everyday that week. She thought about how open Sam had been at the hospital; thought about if the meds were the reason he was so open, or if he finally realized he had to be in order for things to work. She thought about if she was ready to try again, to put her heart on the line, knowing that it could be broken all over again. She considered a lot of things.

* * *

_Five days later…_

"Hey pal," said Oliver, walking into Sam's room. He glanced around, frowning when he didn't see anyone else there.

"Sarah left this morning. She wanted to stay longer, but she couldn't take anymore time off work."

Oliver nodded. "So how are you feeling?"

"You know me," said Sam, a slight touch of bitterness in his tone.

"I heard they're letting you out of here tomorrow afternoon?" said Oliver. He'd picked up on his friend's mood, but hadn't decided whether or not to question it.

"Yeah," said Sam. He was trying to keep his tone and expression neutral, but every time he opened his mouth, the bitterness was there. It had been that way for at least the last three or four days.

"Hey buddy, cheer up. I've stopped by the barn a few times this week just to see how things are, and McNally's been busy... We're short-staffed, so Frank has most people working overtime. And you know she'd come if she could, but trust me, she's exhausted. They all are," said Oliver.

"Ollie, I didn't say anything about McNally."

"Sammy, I know you buddy," said Oliver, barely holding back a laugh. "You get that look when you're worried about her. Trust me though, she's fine, you're fine. There's nothing to worry about."

Sam shook his head. "It's not the same Ollie. I told her where I stood… I _actually_ told her. And I know she overthinks everything and she needs time, but it's almost been a week since I saw her… She's made her decision."

Oliver frowned. "What do you mean?" He paused, eyes widening when it finally clicked. "You mean she chose Collins?"

"No, I meant the doormat," Sam said bitterly. "Of course I meant Collins, unless she's found someone else already…"

"You really need to talk to her Sammy."

Sam shot his friend a questioning look.

"That's all I'm saying buddy. Just talk to her again… She'll be back." Oliver headed back towards the door. "Oh, and for the record, nobody new has come barging into her life."

Sam sighed. He shouldn't be taking it out on his friend. "Hey Ollie?" he said, as his buddy started to step out of the room. "I never did ask last time… How are Celery and the girls?"

Oliver smiled. "Celery's great. Concerned, but great... She's worried about me starting back at work. And the girls are doing well – they're growing up too fast though. Izzy has another boyfriend. I haven't met him yet, but Zoe says he's okay."

Sam nodded, watching as his friend disappeared before leaning back up against the pillows. He was tired of sitting in bed, sleeping, and waiting to see who would come. If _she_ would come. He just wanted to go back to work and do what he was good at. He wanted things to be normal, if such a thing existed.

* * *

_Andy's second shift on patrol…_

"Wow, second shift back on patrol and you're riding alone," Chris said.

"Perfect," Andy replied, and she meant it. Gail still wasn't talking to her, Nick hadn't said a word to her all week, and she wasn't in the mood to have a heart-to-heart with Chris. Had Dov been back at work instead of still waiting outside Chloe's hospital room, then she'd probably think the same about him too. She just wasn't in the mood to be riding with anyone, so an entire shift on her own sounded like a dream come true.

"I heard we might be getting some new rookies," Chris said, interrupting her thoughts. "Do you think it's true?"

Andy shrugged. "We're short-staffed at the moment… Marlo's gone. I think Oliver's back soon, but I don't know exactly when… who knows when Sam will be back, and Chloe…" She fell silent. _If_ Chloe made it, it could be a long while before she returned to duty.

Chris nodded thoughtfully. "We could use the extra help."

"They'd have to be trained though," Andy argued. "Do you really think training a bunch of rookies would be wise when we're all exhausted from so much overtime? There would be screw-ups left and right, and that's kind of the last thing we need at the moment." _The last thing I need at the moment_, Andy silently added.

"But if we do get some, do you think we'll get to train them?" said Chris, unable to hide his excitement. "I know we aren't training officers or anything, but it's not like there are many options at the moment."

She shrugged again. "No clue, but honestly, it's one of the last things on my mind at the moment." Before Chris could say anything else, she gave him a small wave and headed for her squad car, sighing with relief as she got inside and was met with silence.

* * *

Her day started off relatively slowly. The majority of her shift consisted of two speeding tickets and one arrest for a drunk and disorderly man. It could have been slower, but the day just seemed to drag on. Still, it was better than suffering through an entire shift with someone who didn't want to be in the same room as her, no less the same car. With that in mind, she tried to enjoy the remainder of her day, but three hours before the end of her shift, things took a dramatic turn.

Her radio crackled. "We have a call reporting a domestic disturbance at 57 Sullivan Street."

"1504, I'm on my way," Andy said. She turned the sirens on before turning the car around and making her way down Dundas Street.

"Copy 1504," dispatch said, before adding, "The house belongs to a husband and wife. No children. There may be two other men inside with them." There was a slight pause. "The caller also claims the husband may be armed with a shotgun. I'll send backup your way."

"1504, co—" Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of a car flying through the red light at the intersection of Dundas and University. With a car directly in front of her but a decent gap behind her, she slammed on her brakes, but it was too late. The oncoming car t-boned her, and despite her seatbelt, she was thrown around in her seat, her head hitting the side window hard before she felt her body being jerked around some more. The sound was deafening. The metal on metal. The screeching. Crunching. Shattering. She clamped her eyes shut, but even that did little to block out everything. She still saw flashes of light intertwined with memories. Her dad. Camping. Being cut loose. Traci. Nick. Dov. Chris. Chloe. Gail. Oliver. Sam. She tried to hold onto the image of Sam, but it flashed before her eyes once more before vanishing altogether. She struggled to open her eyes and see, to make sense of what was happening, but within seconds, darkness was washing over her until it consumed her completely.

The radio crackled. "1504, what's your status?"

No response.

"1504?" There was a brief pause. "1504, I repeat, what's your status?"

Silence.

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